Someone New for Larry to be Jealous Of

Forget Outsiders, Larry has fresh competition. Check it out on You Tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LHoyB81LnE

Meanwhile after finishing her book, Kim began researching an article about Time Travel for PAPER. She got into a Time Travel Machine and went back to 1994:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em_Byjv4Dvo

She's still there for a little while longer but I got a card from her asking me please not to tell Ted Muehling about those earrings!

Good news: I finally called the number on the lost dog poster that has been in the run for several weeks. Seems the yellow lab Georgia was returned three days after she disappeared. Larry collected the entire $1000, cutting me out completely.

And so it goes.

Sidney and Roberta

The Return of Bruce (Again) Plus Smaller Children for Cramped NYC Spaces

Yes, Bruce is back, looking fit as a fiddle (what does that phrase mean anyway?) and ready for action.

I can't reveal my sources, but I have heard from a reliable source that Rags, Henry's father, has been going to Leroy Street dog run. Excuse me? We're not good enough? I think the problem may be Rag's teeth, which, due to CVS White Strips, have gotten so bright as to be absolutely blinding. I didn't have time to warn everybody to wear their strong UV sunglasses, maybe Rags was just doing us a favor and staying away?

I guess many of you saw the NY POST article on the Indian girl Jyoti Amge last week. She is 15 years old and 23 inches tall. She can basically fit inside her own backpack. (See photo above).

India is now working hard to develop this size for all Indian children, which will help with over-crowding in that country. Not to be slow on the latest trends, I got together with my scientists (they're really mired in the final stages of bringing out "I Can't Believe It's Not Tuna" but that's another story) and they immediately "got" that Very Small Children was a perfect match for New York City, and went right to work on it. Just think about it, a cramped one bedroom is suddenly transformed when your teenager can sleep in a large purse or a kitchen drawer!

Of course all of you who have spent the last 15 to 20 years raising Regular Size kids might feel we could have pursued this idea a little earlier, but please don't be resentful. Your own children will benefit from this when they can get these very small children for themselves in a few years. Maybe large families will even make a comeback in the good old U.S. of A, who knows? If 6 children can sleep in a bathtub, wow, why not?

Meanwhile little Jyoti is hoping to pursue a career in films in America soon, an idea that Bruce found more than a little disconcerting.

Sidney and I were photographed by New York magazine Wednesday and it will be out Monday. We had to fill out a long political survey, and when asked "Who would you like to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m., I gave the obvious answer: Iggy Pop.

On another note of shameless self-promotion, I made Reuters this week, quite by accident, I just happened to be checking out the new John Varvatos store at 315 Bowery, the original location of CBGBs:

http://uk.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUKN0923189420080409

Speaking of tuna, did you read today that the U.S. is calling off ALL (or most) salmon harvesting this year? Only in parts of Oregon and Alaska will it be allowed. Wild salmon on the menu at Esca this year will be priced at $12,000! (hey, It comes with rice and vegetables). At Painters, Larry's restaurant in Bellport, salmon will be only $2,000 but only comes a la carte.

[On a serious note this salmon ban will put hundreds of fishermen out of work. California will seek 150 million is disaster aid. The cause? Climate driven change which has resulted in depriving baby salmon of food. Sorry, kids, but it's time to go vegan.]

Speaking of vegans, I went to Momofuku Noodle Bar this week to see David Chang's new space at 11th Street and 1st Avenue. He really hates vegetarians! He probably would physically eject a vegan from his gorgeous new space if he could. I kept my mouth shut and ordered. Chang's one vegetarian concession on the menu is a ginger scallion "ramen" that has no broth! (Broth = Pork). He offers five beers, only one of which I had heard of - Budweiser. The Momofuki house sake is $7 but all the other sakes are $20 and up - by the glass! That Chang is one crazy dude, wonder how long his bubble will last? As long as people want to eat lovable, intelligent creatures called pigs - unfortunately, a long time.

I've been a "vegetarian" for 40 years, but I do eat fish on occasion and I don't have any moral judgements about meatarians. But a lot of the issue has to do with sustaining the planet, and that goes beyond feeling all sad about little piggies dying for a pork bun.

On the other hand, I read a story in the Times awhile back about a woman who raised piglets for food and she totally bonded with them (they're on the same intelligence level as dogs, if not smarter) and then she led them into the slaughter house and they followed her with total trust, just they way your dog would....

Those who want to read about why meat is bad for the planet, read this by Mark Bittman:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/27/weekinreview/27bittman.html?scp=19&sq=raising+pigs&st=nyt

As for how pigs are treated in this country? From the New York Times:

Of the 60 million pigs in the United States, over 95 percent are continuously confined in metal buildings, including the almost five million sows in crates. In such setups, feed is automatically delivered to animals who are forced to urinate and defecate where they eat and sleep. Their waste festers in large pits a few feet below their hooves. Intense ammonia and hydrogen sulfide fumes from these pits fill pigs’ lungs and sensitive nostrils. No straw is provided to the animals because that would gum up the works (as it would if you tossed straw into your toilet).

The pigs were crowded into pens and cages, never allowed outdoors, and never even provided a soft place to lie down. Their tails had been cut off without anesthetic. Regardless of how well the operations are managed, the pigs subsist in inherently hostile settings.

The stress, crowding and contamination inside confinement buildings foster disease, especially respiratory illnesses. In addition to toxic fumes, bacteria, yeast and molds have been recorded in swine buildings at a level more than 1,000 times higher than in normal air. To prevent disease outbreaks (and to stimulate faster growth), the hog industry adds more than 10 million pounds of antibiotics to its feed, the Union of Concerned Scientists estimates. This mountain of drugs — a staggering three times more than all antibiotics used to treat human illnesses — is a grim yardstick of the wretchedness of these facilities.

Sorry to get so serious, I think I just lost my sense of humor. Forever.

Signing off,

Sidney and Roberta

Where is the Spring?

We have all been waiting a long time for Spring, haven't we? Saturday there was a glimpse, Sunday was gloomy. I don't mind a gloomy day, but in April?

I saw a great show on Friday at the Phillips de Pury Gallery at 450 W. 15th Street (at 10th Avenue). (Rags said I should just refer to it as Phillips, but he's an Art Insider). It's only on till Wednesday so get on over there pronto.

http://www.phillipsdepury.com/

It includes Diane Arbus's special unseen photos from Hubert's Museum in Times Square, home of freaks, sword swallowers, half man half woman (Albert/Alberta), midgets and a real flea circus. Lots of Hubert's memorabilia is on view as well. Hubert's closed before I came to NYC, one of my big regrets. (My friend Nick Tosches went there when he was 14 years old to buy a fake moustache so he could get into his first Sophia Loren movie without adult accompaniment.) There is also a letter from Diane on view where she describes seeing her first geek.

The show includes nearly every great photographer of the last 100 years, except me and Doug Bruce. The auction is on Wednesday night I believe. Go see this show!

What's Kim been up to you might well ask? Mornings she can be found racing uptown in a taxi while the Indian cabbie screams at his brother in Mumbai on his cellphone while Kim receives text messages from her nephew in Peru while watching a chef on the small embedded TV screen give a lesson in how to make foccacia when her dog walker texts to report on Romeo's latest bowel movement but is interupted by her Sidekick with a message from her friend in Lagos, Nigeria while meanwhile with her left foot she is putting the finishing touches on her book about designer Geoffrey Beene, and at the same time closing the next issue of PAPER, the Design issue. And she hasn't even arrived at work. Whew!

(You can subscribe to PAPER for a mere $9.97 a year which gets you TWO subscriptions, one for you and one for a friend, go to papermag.com, I recommend it.)

A rare tape has surfaced of Johnny Thunders of the New York Dolls, singing at his high school in the late 60s:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S-7Ap6J_FU

Later Johnny would appear at the Limelight nightclub with Michael Musto:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-saUheBlMM

I'm not sure how saddened we were at the passing of Charlton Heston, but then we remembered "Touch of Evil", "Planet of the Apes" and "Ben Hur" and we almost forgot about all that gun business. Who can harbor animosity towards a guy who cures lepers? Oh I forgot, that was Jesus. Oh well. Good-by, funnyman!

See you at the run!

XO

Sidney & Roberta

Sodomy at the Dog Run - No one is safe

Yes, it's true. Little Ethan Schwab, well dressed (yet never provocatively so), only son of Claudia, was brutally sodomized Saturday by an unknown black and white canine assailant. Ms. Scwhab stepped in immediately to stop the attack, but it was too late. Luckily Ethan was more shaken than stirred, no obvious penetration occurred (although Bacitracin was applied to the appropriate area), and Sunday he seemed to be in good spirits.

Meanwhile we have some excellent high end FREE entertainment coming up this week in the form of memorial services for two iconic New Yorkers. The William F. Buckley Memorial at St,. Patricks Cathedral

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/06/nyregion/06buckley.html?_r=1&ref=media&oref=slogin

and the Norman Mailer Memorial at Carnegie Hall

http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/03/28/arts/NA-A-E-BKS-US-Norman-Mailer-Memorial.php

Both are open to the public, though for Mr. Mailer's you must stand in line for tickets, presumably because the former Mr. Madonna, drunken beater of photographers and informal and unwanted U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East will be speaking. Along with (oh, wow) Tina Brown. The host? Charlie Rose. I guess Legs McNeil was unavailable.

Hold me back. Dullsville Incorporated.

Now I met Mr. Mailer some years ago (1979 to be precise) at his home in Brooklyn heights and took his photograph (which I have yet to make a dime on) and I have to say, he seemed to be somewhat of a zombie (that happens when you foolishly give up alcohol in your 70s - why bother?) However, he did go onto write several very long books, I think one was about Egypt and another about God (or maybe it was Hitler?) which I challenge any of you to say you have read. (I'm not talking about your having read the review in the New York Times Book Review, I'm talking about the actual BOOK. Even I almost finished reading the reviews.) I tried reading the Gary Gilmore book in the 70s, couldn't finish it. "Bonfire of the Vanities"? Same. I know, Mailer didn't write that, but I think you see my point.

Mr. Buckley, on the other hand, while I did not agree with his enthusiasm for bringing back slavery (think about it, did he ever say WHO would be the slaves? Did he? Case closed) or that women should be thankful they got the vote and be done with the rest of all that liberation stuff (and to his credit look where it's gotten us), it's true that Mr. Bill gave us many hours of entertainment on his television show. He was entertaining even when we did not agree with him, beguiling in an elegant, reptilian sort of way. And with Big Words. Now, That's Entertainment. Unlike Bill O'Reilly and his ilk who are just bullies and bores. I definitely do think Billy's Memorial will be the more entertaining memorial of the two. You don't have to wait in line for tickets and you won't be worried than Sean Penn might mistake you for an 80s pop star and marry you (he is single now you know) or for a photographer and knock your block off.

See you at St. Pat's. Even Jesus might be there.

Peace, Love and Bathroom Renovation,

Sidney & Roberta

Art, Money, Sex and Dogs - is there anything else?

This week I Saw Art. Laura and I (sans Billie and Sidney) went to the Museum of Arts and Design (on 53rd Street across from MOMA) and saw a fantastic show called "Pricked: Extreme Embroidery". It runs through April 27th. Don't miss it, it's absolutely fabulous!

Then we went to Pulse! and were underwhelmed, though we loved seeing lots of Morton Barlett's doll photos and one very interesting artist named Santiago Rubino

http://www.re-title.com/artists/SANTIAGO-RUBINO.asp

who does interesting detailed drawings of women and dogs (not together). Reminded us a little of Walter Keane mixed with Edward Gorey. Some people feel he has appropriated the style (and presentation in old frames) of Mark Ryden

http://www.markryden.com/paintings/index.html

but we liked his dog drawings so much we don't care. Laura hopes he will draw Billie!

Larry and I have been trying to think up new ways to make money without working. We thought of entering the contest to name the Glatt Kosher Falafel Restaurant on Third Avenue ($3000 prize) but realized it took too much work. Besides the last contest that restaurant ran ended up giving the prize to the person who named it "Chickpea", not exactly a name worthy of our level of genius and creativity, especially for a measley 3K. Seeing all those $1000 reward posters for lost dogs around town, we tossed around an idea about a Dog Kidnapping Service venture, but ultimately decided some people at the run might find it offensive. Look, we were going to treat the dogs we kidnapped really well while we had them, it would basically be like a spa vacation for the dog. And think how extremely happy and relieved the owners would be when we returned Fluffy to their empty arms? That's a feeling you can't really put a price on. Come to think of it, maybe it's not off the table entirely.

After seeing the Morton Bartlett show a friend gave me a good idea. What about creating a FAKE "outsider artist"? When Bartlett died, he had no heirs and his dolls and negatives ended up in a flea market where they were discovered and purchased by an art dealer. Or were they? Whose to know where they came from? Barlett's photos are now selling for $14,000 and up - A good enough reason to fabricate the whole damn story, don't you think? I mean if a young white middle class women can get $300,000 for writing a memoir of her life as a Crip, why can't this idea work? When I work out the details I'll let you know. Meanwhile don't tell anybody.

Ken told us something Really Creepy and we think it may well be true, though we're waiting for confirmation from Trishika. In order to get your photo published it the Weddings section of the Times, the bride and groom's eyes have to be perfectly aligned. Taking a look at today's Times it looks pretty true to me! Sometimes the eyes were even aligned on a slant. Weird. We've gotta get the story on this, Trish, please let us know.

And speaking of the Times, I must say that the article in the Magazine "College Kids Who Opt Out of Sex" made me feel Totally Disconnected From Reality. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with not having sex before you're married (well I actually do think that's wrong but I'll just suspend my judgment for a moment) but why would you have to join an ORGANIZATION such as True Love Revolution (Harvard) and the Anscombe Society (Princeton) and make pledges and have support meetings? One "stalwart soldier" of the abstinence wars, Leo Keihler is pictured in his bedroom. Just look at him. Don't try to tell me he's not one step away from being a child molester or serial killer. Just read the article if you can bear it, and tell me there's something really disturbing about it. Or maybe it's just me.

Here we have a nice example of a (very) obiedient dog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2BfzUIBy9A
See you in the run!
Sidney & Roberta

Spring is here, I hear...

Why doesn't my heart go dancing? (For those vast numbers of you who are "young" , this is a reference to a Rogers & Hart song which I first heard at the tender age of 8 on my mother's copy of Frank Sinatra's album "Frank Sinatra Sings For Only The Lonely". Like you care).

Anyway, Easter came and went with nary an appearance of significant numbers. Rags and James took pity on me and came by to ask me to sing songs from "Hair" of which I knew none. All of the songs I thought were from "Hair" were from "Jesus Christ Superstar". Where is Dr. Bob when you need him? I never saw either of these shows, although I did have sex with the actor who played Jesus in the "Jesus Christ Superstar" movie, Teddy Neely. He was HOT.

Then Rags wanted me to sing "I Will Always Love You" which he called a "Whitney Houston song". Not. It is a Dolly Parton song. And Rags calls himself a gay - ha! And then when I proceeded to sing the chorus of said song, I was reprimanded that it wasn't the song! Okay so I'm no Celine Dion with a 18 octave range, but I know my Dolly Parton. Luckily as we were leaving, who should arrive but an ACTUAL singer: Jamie Leonhart, possessor of multiple octaves, an artist with many CDs and sold out shows at Joe's Pub. Not only did Jamie sing the chorus of the song, she knew the VERSE. Major.

Monday was good. I had an idea for teaching everyone in the run Yiddish. My proposals is to take one word each day, have Larry (or another Jew) define it, and then we would go around in a circle and each if us would use the word in a sentence.

Unfortunately the first word (chosen by Rags) was "moil" (moyle?). A moil is the Rabbi who performs circumcisions) (I can't even spell it, let alone condone it). Now, sorry, but to me this isn't a word that is going to come up much in everyday conversation. But what the hell, we tried. My sentence was "I don't think I'll have much use for a moil in my lifetime", which is true but doesn't really give a sense of the meaning of the word. While Berlin was chasing his tail (and catching it) John ventured a sentence, but I felt my whole idea was being ruined.

Then Rags suggested ungepachaka, which is like going over the top, laying it on too thick. Rags relates it to Ralph Lauren, he's ungepachaka apparently. As a goyim (that is probably ungrammatical) it was all too much for me. Larry and I discussed going to see Jackie Mason's "The Ultimate Jew" on Broaoday as a group and found tickets online for $38. There's an old folks matinee at 2 p.m. so I might actually be able to fit that in. We could go as a an educational group, maybe there's an extra discount for that? Anyway, we will be starting the Yiddish Acquisition Program in earnest when the weather's better. No need to register, no tuition. I figure by summer we'll all be speaking Yiddish.

Laura is back from Hawaii, in shock. Jessica has disappeared into her Uptown World for now. Beth (Dugan's mom) has a bad haircut and will be staying away for awhile. Ken and Hershey drop in as always before work. Claudia hold court as always, as she prepares for the Pulse Art fair. Bald Tango flits about, Zeus entices George into play just when Trish wants to leave. Riley, our young friend from Portland came back to NYC but then had to go to L.A. We hope he will be back.

That's all for now folks!

Sidney & Roberta

Where the hell is everybody? Saturday March 22, 2008

Sidney and I arrived at the run at 8 a.m. and by 9 a.m. we were still the only ones there. Did we miss the memo? Finally Sunny & Nene showed up, Nene wearing his own sophisticated take on the Burberry plaid craze of the 90s, you know, really putting his own spin on it. The Other Larry (Becky's dad) showed up briefly. And that was it. We did see one of the strangest dogs we know: Harley, a boxer pug mix. As Larry commented "He got the worst of each breed!". Weird. You had to see it. Really kind of sad in a way, though of course I'm sure the parents love him just as they would a "normal" dog.

Friday I went to lunch at Momofuku SSam Bar, the highly touted restaurant on 2nd Avenue and 13th Street. The restaurant's 26 year old chef David Chang is the subject of a long profile in this week's New Yorker. Chang is opening his third restaurant, Ko, any minute, his first being the wildly successful Momofuku Noodle Bar. I had one of the best food items here that I have ever eaten anywhere: Diver Sea Scallops from the raw bar with nori, pickled cherries, lemon and something I don't know what, it was so exquisite! I also had Fried Brussel Sprouts with chilies, mint and fish sauce, which had the moist concentrated garlic flavor I've ever tasted. As Rachel Ray would say: "De-lish!". Mainly they deal with pork - pork buns, country hams from 4 states, pork belly, pork sausage and whole pork butt (are you salivating yet, Bob & Larry?) but there are 5 choices on the Raw Bar, including Wild Striped Bass, Cured Hamachi, Beau Soliel Oysters and Jonah Crab Claws, and some chicken things. I was sure it would be packed, but at 3 p.m. it was half empty and filled with a casual group of semi-hipsters. The Ramones "Beat on the Brat" was on the sound system, which I took as an omen. It's not cheap (most dishes are between $12 & $17 for smallish portions) but the Lunch Boxes are $12 to $14 and are BIG. The sake, wine and beer lists are inspired. I almost went back there again today but stopped myself and put the money into my Bathroom Renovation Fund. (Donations accepted, tax deductible.)

Rags was deeply engrossed this week in the Eliot Spitzer coverage. He learned a new term: "Eating at the Y". Apparently in Hooker Land that particular act (a man performing 'oral' on a woman) is disallowed. Rags was mystified. I say it is because it is not the duty of the hooker to be expected to either experience pleasure or (god forbid) orgasm. To do so is to cede power. No kissing, no coming and no lunch at the Y. Sorry Eliot, you'll have to go back to Silda for that. Though somehow I suspect she may not be in the mood for it right now.

I saw the most marvelous documentary on John Waters on IFC last night called "Divine Trash". It was really lovely to have Waters describe Divine as his "Liz Taylor" (which she definitely was) and amazing to see his trajectory from stoned freak pot smoking maniac to mainstream Broadway Power Player. It's just a brilliant doc, don't miss it they always show those things a million times. I myself was honored to have several phone conversations with Divine's mother Mrs. Francis Milstead. You cannot imagine a mother more proud of her son's achievements. To me that shows there is a god.

And so we come upon the anniversary of the Resurrection of the Lord Baby Jesus Our Heavenly Saviour, we will be Happy and we will Eat. Even those among us who do not believe (myself included) or who believe with reservations, or are Jewish or who never even gave it a second thought beyond the Easter Bunny, I say eating, experiencing the pleasure of Momofuku, of sake, of fresh air (though we may not remember the last time we breathed it) of the first time we saw John Waters "Multiple Maniacs", of our dogs in all their wondrousness, I say all of this is more than enough reason to Rejoice.

And to sleep late tomorrow. Because I know none of you will be at the run anyway.

Hallelujah!

Sidney & Roberta